None of your Business
by shiksafeminista2004
Summary: Josh and Donna try to misunderstand each other after "Memorial Day."
1. Default Chapter

None of your Business

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: This is my first Josh and Donna fanfic, and my third fanfic ever. Please forgive me in advance for all the mischaracterizations and mistakes. This story takes place right after Memorial Day. There will be angst and self-pity, but then there will be smut (which I'll post as NC-17 when it comes). For now I think the rating is just PG-13.

Archive: please ask so I can visit. Feedback: I'd love some, 

Chapter summary: Josh finally has the guts to tell Donna how he feels.

I'm in this cold, gray waiting room, and Donna is in there, cut open, fighting for her life. I wish there was more I could do, or that I could have done. I look at my watch over and over; hoping that the passing time will ease my pain. How could I let it go this far without telling her that I love her, that I want to be with her, that not a night goes by when I don't wish I had her in my bed with me? Every time a nurse or a doctor walks by, I stand up and try to get information out of them. They all tell me they don't know anything. This must be a nightmare. I wish it were a nightmare.

There is only one other person in the waiting room, an old lady who seems calm and distracted. I don't think she notices my desperation. If she does, she chose not to react to it.

Hours go by and I've settled into something that must seem like a catatonic state. I stare at the gray wall in front of me, feeling numb. I figure this is the only way I can survive this waiting without going insane. What if Donna dies? What if she goes into a coma, never to wake up again? What if she's paralyzed? What would I do then? I can't imagine my life without her. I have to stop thinking this way, Donna wouldn't be. She would try to be positive at a time like this. So I try not to think these thoughts that run through mind repeatedly, leaving me desperate, ready to beg whoever walks by that they make everything all better, by bringing Donna back to health.

Finally, the surgeon comes out of the operating room, walking towards me. I stand up immediately and look him in the eyes. His mouth is moving and the words are coming out, but I'm not processing what he's saying. I guess I've always had selective hearing, but this is crazy! I'm just waiting to see whether he says either "she's going to be ok", or "I'm sorry, but we couldn't save her". After a few desperate seconds of trying to decipher what he is saying to me, I hear: "She is now in stable condition and we're taking her to the recovery room. Would you like to see her?"

I'm speechless. A mountain has been lifted off my shoulders, and I do the only thing I can do at this moment. I nod. "A nurse will come by for you when they settle her in."

I fall back down in my chair, and look up at the ceiling while I wait. I thank God for ...everything. I run my hands across my face and I realize I haven't had anything to eat or drink since last night... when I came in with the red roses. The red roses, I wonder where I put them? I wasn't thinking of anything but all that blood on the floor. I must have dropped them in her room.

I walk over to her room, where everything has been cleaned up, and I look for the flowers. A nurse sees me in there, and tells me to wait out in the waiting room, because they need to bring Donna in and settle her with all the equipment. I ask her about the roses, but she says she hasn't seen any.

So I go down to the main lobby, and walk out of the hospital, back to the flower shop where I had gotten the roses. All I can think about is how I want to make things right this time, and how I have to give her red roses to tell her how I feel.

When I get back from the florist, a nurse takes me to the room where Donna is recovering. My legs are weakening as I approach the door. I want to run away, and hide from my emotions, but I can't. I have to be strong for Donna. The nurse opens the door for me, and I stand there, petrified, when I see Donna in her bed, sleeping, with tubes coming out of her nose. I hate to see her like this. I approach her bed, lay the flowers on the nightstand, and gently lift her hand, so that I can put both of my hands around hers.

"Donna, I ..."

I feel awkward talking to a sleeping person. But I need to get this out now otherwise I'm going to forget how lucky I am that she's still alive and she'll never know...

"Donna ..." I break down and start crying. I can't control myself. After all those hours of waiting, of not knowing whether I'd ever see her alive again, of making myself feel numb in order not to go crazy. Now finally my feelings of uselessness and frustration are coming out full force, in the form of heavy gulps and running tears. I can't stand the thought of losing Donna like this. Right now she is in front of me, but I don't know whether she'll make it or not. I try to control myself by taking deep breaths, but they only make me cry more. So I try talking, and saying whatever comes to my mind, trying to divert my brain's attention from the crying.

"I don't know what to do to make you better; I really need you to get better, as soon as possible. I can't live without you, in fact: I'm a mess right now. I love you so much Donna, I hate that I've never had the guts to tell you while you were awake and healthy. I'm such a prick for having treated you the way I have for the past 6 years. Will you ever forgive me? I should have been the one in that SUV, getting blown up. I should have promoted you a long time ago, and I didn't because I love you so much and I'm a selfish bastard...Donna, please get better, I want to make it up to you, I love you, and I want to be with you, if you'll have me."

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

None of your Business – Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: This is my first Josh and Donna fanfic and my third fanfic ever. Please forgive me in advance for all the mischaracterizations and mistakes. This story takes place right after Memorial Day. There will be angst and self-pity, but then there will be smut (which I'll post as NC-17 when it comes). For now I think the rating is just PG-13.

Chapter summary: Donna tries to get Josh to admit what he just said to her while she was asleep.

I take a few steps and feel the sand under my feet. I look ahead and see nothing more than the magnificent, blue ocean. I walk towards it, and then I feel two hands holding mine. I look to my side and I see Josh, looking gorgeously tanned and wearing nothing but some tight, black swim trunks, and an open white shirt. I take a look at his beautiful chest and I can't help but touch it. I feel his chest hair and I lean closer to kiss him. We stand on the beach like that for a while, kissing and holding each other, near the movement of the water, under the warmth of the sun and all is right in the world.

_Wow, I must be on some powerful drugs, because this is a great dream. It's so realistic, I've dreamed of kissing Josh many times before, but this time everything seems so real._

Josh stops kissing and looks at me. He's smiling and those gorgeous dimples that make me melt every time. I look away from him for a second, to take in the view, and when I look back, he has a sad and agonized look on his face.

I ask him what's wrong, and he's talking, but I can't hear him. This dream is turning into a nightmare. I try to understand what he's saying. He looks desperate and his words are escaping his mouth, but I can't comprehend them. I try to concentrate so I can hear what he is saying. Suddenly my dream becomes more real and the landscape disappears, along with Josh. But now that I can't see him, I finally hear what he is saying: "Donna, please get better, I want to make it up to you, I love you, and I want to be with you, if you'll have me."

His next words were interrupted by a ringing telephone.

"Hello," I open my eyes and see Josh by the phone. His back is turned to me, and he doesn't know that I am awake.

"Yes, she's recovering. They found a blood clot and one of her lungs collapsed, so they took her into surgery... 8 hours ... I'll be here, sure, I'll tell her when she wakes up".

"Josh", I say faintly, trying to get his attention. He hangs up the phone quickly and comes back to my bed side, taking my hand in his. "Donna," he gasps, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm ok," I lie. The truth is that I can't breathe properly because my chest hurts each time I try to take a good breath. I am sore as hell, and the pain killers they must have given me are making my limbs feel so heavy that I can't move. I'm still confused and trying to figure out whether what I had heard before was a dream, or whether he had really said it -- because if he did, it changes everything. Oh, how I want it to be true. If I could just sit up and lean over to kiss him, I'd feel a lot better.

"Donna, I'm so glad you're awake, you have no idea." The look of relief in his face, his sad smile, the way his eyes moved from mine to the floor several times tell me that may be it was true. Maybe he did declare his love for me. Maybe it wasn't just a dream.

"Josh, were you talking to me while I slept?" The expression on his face is undecipherable. I can't tell whether he looks guilty because he realizes that I must have heard him, or whether he's confused, thinking that I heard things while hallucinating.

"I heard you talking to me, and that's what woke me up." His wide eyes look scared. He just doesn't want to tell me whatever it is he was telling me earlier; when he thought I was asleep.

"I thought the phone woke you up" He says, avoiding the original question.

_Why can't he be honest with me? I really need him to be honest right now. He left his work and came to Germany after me, and he told me he'd be here as long as he needed to, so this must mean something. He can't just go back to treating me like his assistant. He has to tell me how he feels, unless he's scared of telling me the truth and needs some more probing._

"Yes, I guess, but I also heard some talking before that".

"You must have been hallucinating"

That's when he lets go of my hand and stands up, turning his back towards me. _I hate that he backs away like that. Is this true? Was I really hallucinating and he doesn't love me? If so, why is he here? Is this some sick joke? Did someone send him here just to make me happy? Is he here against his will? Yes, that's it. I got it now. CJ must have told Leo to send him here in order to make me recover faster. Because CJ knows I love him, and CJ loves me as a friend. She must have sent Josh here to get me to recover faster. So I take a stab at him._

"Did Colin call me yet? I miss him." No reaction. Josh is ignoring me. I feel like a truck just went over me, my emotions are out of control, and the most important person in my life is ignoring me.

"Josh, I said, did Colin call me, or did he send me flowers?" _I am pushing him now. I want him to say something. I want him to get jealous. I want to see whether he is here for me, or whether he was sent here because I'm his assistant. _

"Yeah, these roses are from him".

"They're beautiful." I try to look at the roses but my neck hurts too much.

"Donna, your mother is on her way to Germany, and when she gets here, I'll have to fly back to D.C. There's a lot of work waiting for me. You need to go back to sleep so you can recover faster."

Ok, Now I know he's not here for me. He's here so I can recover faster, and he'll leave as soon as my mom gets here. He also didn't react at all to my questions about Colin. I want to cry right now, but I don't want to boost his huge ego by giving him the satisfaction of knowing how I feel. So I do the only thing I can right now. I close my eyes, and pretend that I am asleep. I hear nothing for 5 minutes. Apparently he's just sitting there. Slowly I drift off into real sleep, and when I wake up, I realize I must have slept all night and into the morning, because when I open my eyes, I see my mother. Josh is gone.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

None of your Business – Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: This is my first Josh and Donna fanfic and my third fanfic ever. Please forgive me in advance for all the mischaracterizations and mistakes. This story takes place right after Memorial Day. There will be angst and self-pity, but then there will be smut (which I'll post as NC-17 when it comes). For now I think the rating is just PG-13.

Chapter summary: Josh comes back to work with a sour attitude.

I hate her. I hate that photographer. I hate her more. No, I don't hate her. I just resent her for breaking my heart like this. I know. I chickened out when she asked me about the talking before the phone rang. But I now know that it was the safest thing to do, because if I had told her the truth, she would have answered me with something like "I'm flattered Josh, but I only like you as a friend. I'm in love with Colin." And I would have looked and felt like a pathetic idiot. And I wasn't about to let that happen.

Now I just feel like a pathetic idiot sitting in this airplane, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, with a broken heart. How could she do this to me? I let her get away from me for a few days on an assignment and she manages to get herself blown up, and gets a photographer boyfriend in the meantime. I can only imagine what they were doing together in Gaza. I bet she took him to her room and had wild hot sex with him. How did she have time to write me those long emails, I mean, with all the sex that must have been going on?

I can't think about this. I've got to get back to work. I need to occupy my mind with something that is not Donna and her hot sex buddy. Not that I think he's hot, mind you. I guess that she must have been drawn to him for some sort of charm attribute. Ok, I need to stop thinking about Donna finding someone else charming. He's probably there now. He probably already met her mom and everything. I wonder if he'll move to the US so they can be together.

I try hard to push these thoughts away from my mind. I am insanely jealous and I am hurting, but I need to stay sane so I can go back to the one thing that I have that will not leave me for some hot photographer: my job.

My trip back from Germany was a blur. I remember getting my bags from the baggage terminal, but I don't remember getting out of the airplane. I remember collapsing in my bed with my shoes on, but I don't remember the ride home. I was in a trance. This morning I feel a little better. I am rested, and I am determined not to let Donna and her boyfriend drive me into the insane asylum.

Now I realize I can't live like this. Now that I know she doesn't love me, I need to get over her, fast. I'm not such a young man anymore. I can't be moping over some blond long legged Wisconsinian who doesn't love me back. I need to remedy this situation as soon as possible. Maybe I should call Amy. No, better not go there. I bet I can find someone else, who's neither Amy, nor Donna, who can make me happy. Well, I wouldn't go as far as happy, but at least content would be ok.

I walk into the West Wing and familiar faces don't even say "hi". They just ask, "How is Donna? When is she coming back?" What do I look like, an extension of Donna? I just nod politely and say "She's recovering; she'll be back in a few weeks."

I manage to make my way all the way into my office before someone catches onto my bitter expression and calls me on it. It's CJ, with a worried look on her face.

"Josh, what's wrong? Isn't Donna getting better? Is there something you're not telling us? What happened in Germany?"

"It's none of your business. Donna's fine, she'll be back soon, now if you'll just let me get to my work, we have a country to run here."

CJ is standing there, staring at me for a good minute and a half, tying to figure out what's going on. When I left to be with Donna, everyone just assumed that I'd open up to her and tell her how I felt. They never expected that I'd come back with such a sour attitude. CJ realizes that something must have gone wrong.

"Fine. I'll be in my office if you need to talk."

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

None of your Business – Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: I Love Feedback!

Chapter Summary: Donna copes with Josh's silent treatment.

It's been a week since Josh left. I can't stop thinking about him. I still, despite his cold treatment, haven't been able to fully convince myself that I was indeed hallucinating when I heard him tell me that he loved me. I tell myself that I need to believe him so that I can get over him. I can't be suffering like a lovesick teenager for the rest of my life. If he doesn't love me, it's time to move on.

My mom has been a great help. I love having her here. Although I haven't told her about my episode with Josh a week ago, she seems to understand that something did happen, and that not only am I hurting on the outside, I am also hurting on the inside. We try to keep things upbeat by watching a lot of German TV. We laugh at the dubbed versions of American soap operas and Chevy Chase films. Somehow, those movies are a lot funnier in German.

I am eating my dull hospital lunch when I hear a knock on the door. My first irrational brain reaction is 'Is it Josh? I hope it is Josh so I can give him the cold shoulder in return for what he's done'. But then I think, _Don't be silly, Donna, Josh wouldn't go through all the trouble of coming here. He doesn't love you, remember?_

Behind the curtain, I see a man coming in. Soon he pokes his head around and announces himself. It's Colin, looking more handsome than ever, with a bouquet of white daisies.

"Colin, I'm glad you came!"

He comes over and kisses me on the cheek. I guess we haven't really communicated in over a week, and I haven't even thought about him since Josh left, so it's probably appropriate that he'd kiss me on the cheek rather than on the lips. It's probably for the best anyway, because I bet I have sick breath right now. I introduce him to my mom. She looks impressed. She leaves to go freshen up and he sits in the chair by my bedside.

We have some small talk and I ask how things are going in Gaza. He updates me on all the investigations that followed the bombing. He asks about Josh, as if he expected Josh to still be here with me (I did too, in a way). I tell him Josh had to go back to his big important job, where he could ignore me for another two years. Of course I didn't put it quite this way, I used the politically correct version "He had to go back to work."

Colin is such a charmer. He's got this cute smile, and this seductive way of holding my hand. He brushes the hair from my face and places a soft kiss on my forehead. If I wasn't so hung up on Josh, I'd move my head a little higher, and steal a kiss from his mouth as he bends above me. What am I saying? I'm not hung up on Josh. I should be kissing Colin now. After all, he did fly here to see me, and not to do some favor for his boss.

So I tilt my head up and kiss him softly on the lips. He smiles politely and sits back down. Somehow this wasn't the reaction I was expecting. I ask him what's wrong, and he gives me the ever so familiar "It's not you, It's me" speech. I see! He came here to break up with me. He felt guilty that I got blown up in Gaza, so he didn't feel comfortable ignoring the fact that we had slept together. He came to visit once, then he sent the red roses, then he came to visit another time after the surgery to end things.

Wait a minute, why did he send me red roses if he knew he was going to dump me? Getting back to what he is saying, I realize he's actually being really nice about it. He's just going with the logic that he can't leave Gaza because of his job, and how it would be difficult to maintain a long distance relationship, given we both have busy schedules. I agree with him, actually, it wouldn't be possible to continue whatever it is we were having once I get back to work.

So I nod in agreement. I smile to let him know I'm not mad at him. I just have one last question.

"What about the roses, did you know how you felt when you sent me the roses?"

He looked surprised. I could see he doesn't know what I'm talking about.

"What roses?"

I pause for a while, realizing that if he hadn't sent the roses then they must have come from someone else. Was it Josh, and if so, why didn't he tell me?

"It's ok, don't worry about it. Someone else must've sent them."

"Take care, Donnatella."

"You too, Colin."

He gives me a friendly kiss on the cheek and leaves. _Wow, that was the easiest break up I have ever gone through_. I guess it was easy because I wasn't in love with him, and we really didn't have an actual relationship. We were just two people who got together briefly to satisfy each other's physical needs.

I go back to the roses, and obsess over whether it was Josh who brought them or whether they came from the White House, as a "get well soon" gift.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

None of your Business – Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

note: I love feedback!

Chapter summary: CJ tries to intervene.

It's been two weeks since Josh left, and he hasn't called me even once, to see how I'm doing. This is horrible. I miss him so much. I want to go back to what we had before, even if it was just a boss-assistant relationship. Not seeing him or talking to him is just torture. Plus, I can't help but speculate on the reason for his not calling me. Would it be because he is hurt by my going out with Colin and wants to avoid contact with me? No, of course not. It's much more likely that he's just caught up in his work, and forgets about me through the day. Because he doesn't love me! He just thinks of me as his injured assistant. I wonder who's helping him now.

The phone rings and my mom hands me the receiver. I answer excitedly, secretly hoping it is Josh, only to hear CJ's voice on the other end.

"Donna, it's me."

"Hi CJ, how are you? How are things back at the White House?"

"As always, Donna. Hectic and unpredictable. I was talking about myself, of course."

That makes me smile. I love CJ.

"How about you, Donna, are you recovering alright? Things here just aren't the same without you."

"You mean Josh isn't the same. How is he, really?"

"You don't talk to him?"

"No, he hasn't called me since he left, CJ. I'm actually starting to wonder whether I still have a job, or a friend."

"Don't worry, Donna, of course you still have a job. And as for that stupid boss of yours, I'll set him straight."

"Thanks CJ. I miss you."

"I miss you too; now do everything the doctors tell you to so you can get back to us soon."

We hang up and I start crying. It hit me when I told CJ that Josh hadn't called me since he left. Would we ever be able to be friends again?

I am going about my day when CJ bursts into my office.

"Josh, I just talked to Donna. She says you haven't called her even once since you got back. What's going on in that dense little head of yours?"

"CJ, don't start."

"Don't '_don't start_' me, young man, Donna needs you. She's just been through a terrible ordeal, and she needs her friend there with her, now if you think that you're just a boss to her, you know you're lying to yourself. And I don't want to just sit back and watch as you..."

I can't take it, so I yell "CJ, you don't understand, things have changed"

"Changed how?" She looks stunned.

"Actually, I'd rather not talk about it. It's none of your business."

"Boy, have I heard that one before. Just promise me one thing. Promise me you'll talk to Donna."

"I can't promise that".

"What, you're just going to give your assistant and friend the silent treatment? For how long? Is that really the adult thing to do in this situation?"

"You have a point."

"Of course I do, I always have a point. Now fix this."

She leaves. CJ's right, I need to do the adult thing. I can't work with Donna anymore. I walk out to the bullpen and tell the temp to get me a minute with Leo.

A few minutes later she comes back, telling me he's available now, so I get up, put on my jacket, and head to his office. Once Margaret shows me in, I start.

"Leo, I have a staffing request."

"Oh, no Josh, please don't tell me you scared off another temp..."

"No, she's still there. This is about Donna. I want you to transfer her to the communications bullpen. I know Toby needs a new assistant."

Leo looks shocked. I know he never expected such a request from me. He pauses for a long time and finally says:

"Ok. If that's what you really want. I'll have Margaret look for a new assistant for you."

"That's what I really want."

As I get up and walk towards the door, Leo stops me with a hand on my shoulder. I turn around to face him.

"Josh, what happened in Germany? What's going on between you and Donna?"

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" I yell as I turn away from him.

"JOSH! Get a hold of yourself." Leo uses his most somber voice as he says it. This sends chills down my spine.

I apologize for yelling and I walk away.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

None of your Business – Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: I love feedback! Please let me know what you think.

Chapter summary: Donna finds out Josh has transferred her.

It's now been three weeks since Josh left. I count my time based on Josh's departure because it was a landmark in my life. It was the moment I finally realized that he did not love me and that he never would. It was the time I admitted to myself that I really do need to get over him and move on with my life.

The phone rings and this time I don't even expect it or hope that it is Josh. In fact, I hope it isn't Josh. I've made some progress in the "getting over him" idea, and I don't need him to be sweet to me all of a sudden. It would hinder my strategy.

My mom hands me the phone. It's Margaret.

"Donna, it's me."

"Hi Margaret, I'm glad you called. Is everything alright?"

"Yes, everything is fine here but there's been a change, and I know I'm not supposed to tell you this, but if I was in your place, I'd want to know, and..."

"Margaret! What happened, what is it?"

"Josh asked Leo to transfer you to communications."

"What?" I'm in shock. She repeats it, but I'm in shock, I can't answer.

"Donna, are you ok?"

"I'm ok."

"When are you coming back?"

"May be a week, I'm not quite sure. It all depends on the physiotherapy. Margaret, I appreciate you calling, I really do, but I need to go now." So I hang up on her abruptly, and I pick the phone right up, as if out of reflex. I dial Josh's number so quickly; I realize it's become second nature.

"Josh Lyman".

"Why did you do it?"

"What? Donna?"

"You don't want me as your assistant, why don't you just fire me?"

"Because you're an asset to this administration and..."

"Cut the crap, Josh, there is a reason you haven't called me these past three weeks, and there is a reason you decided to get rid of me all of a sudden."

"Donna, I don't want to talk about this."

"Fine, have it your way. It's probably for the best anyway."

Click.

I hang up on him. God, I hate him right now. My mom is staring at me with a concerned look on her face. She comes over to my side and puts her hand on my back. I take one deep breath and break down in tears. Not only don't I have Josh here with me anymore, now he's not my boss, or my friend. What happened, what did I do? Why is he punishing me? I bury my face into my mom's shoulder and cry myself to sleep.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

None of your Business – Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: I love this chapter. Thanks for the lovely feedback.

Chapter Summary: Donna is home and CJ helps her get ready for the next day.

I flew into the US yesterday. My mom and I said goodbye in the Newark airport. She flew to Wisconsin, and I flew to D.C. I can move well with crutches now. The four weeks of recovery really did me a lot of good. I got lots of help from airport personnel with my luggage. Since I am now currently considered disabled, I got to enjoy the in-airport car ride, and I didn't have to carry anything. At the D.C. airport, CJ came to pick me up. She helped me bring the luggage from the car to my apartment.

Now I am here, alone. I am glad I made it back, and that despite being temporarily disabled, I've been able to come home without major glitches. I am lying in my bed, looking at the ceiling, and finding it extremely strange that I can't get to sleep. I remember the many nights I spent here, thinking about Josh, fantasizing. Where did things go wrong?

The ringing phone wakes me up.

"AHH, Hello..."

"Good morning sunshine"

"Good morning, CJ"

"I know you have no plans for today but it's a gloomy Sunday and I'm not going to let you spend it alone in your apartment. I'm coming over with some ice cream, alcohol, beauty products and some movies. I'm going to get you prepped up so you can go back to work on Monday."

"Hmm, OK, CJ, I'll see you when you get here."

I get up, take a shower, and put on my most comfortable pair of sweat pants and one of Josh's old Harvard shirts. I know, I know, I should probably get rid of all things Josh right now, given the circumstances. But right now wearing this shirt feels right. Maybe it's my way of saying goodbye to this relationship (and perhaps I can use the shirt to clean the toilet later).

Soon CJ is at the door. As promised, she brought what we women call the "getting over a broken heart kit." I get the movies from her, and review the titles while she puts away the food.

"Wow, CJ, you've outdone yourself: _She-Devil_, _Thelma and Louise_, and _Kill Bill_, let me tell you, I'll be ready to bite Josh's head off by the end of the day."

"And that, my friend, is what you should have done a long time ago."

"Tell me about it."

"So, you've loved Josh all this time, even when he was with Amy and you were with Jack?"

"Pretty much, I mean, I tried to lie to myself several times. I tried to convince myself that all I had was a silly crush on him, and the fact that he was sometimes nice to me was giving me the illusion that it was love. But it didn't last long. There were days when I wanted to grab him in the office and jump him right there. And there were other days when he would manage to piss me off enough that I'd just want to go home and not think about him in this way any more."

"I've felt those ways with Danny many times. But I guess it's not the same thing, because Danny's not my boss and at least I got to make out with him a few times."

"You made out with Danny?"

"Hmm-huh"

"A few times?"

"You got it."

"CJ, I've got to learn from you."

"Indeed you do, my friend. Indeed you do."

We smile at each other for a while. Only a good friend like CJ would be able to make me laugh about my situation with Josh at this time.

"Donna, I've got to say, your hair needs a little love right now."

"I know. Being in the hospital for a month is not beneficial to one's beauty."

"Ok, so let's make a small change in our plans for the day, we'll try to get a slot with my hair stylist right now, and I'll treat you to a makeover."

"Oh, no CJ, I look fine, I don't want you spending money on me like this."

"Come on, Donna, It'll be fun. I'll get my nails done while we're there, and you'll look fabulous for your first day back at work tomorrow."

An hour later we're at the salon. CJ sure has some power to get me an appointment at a place like this with such short notice. I am getting my head massaged by the wonderful hands of CJ's stylist, Frank. I must say, Frank has magic hands. Next he'll cut my hair and give me some fresh highlights. CJ's sitting a few feet away from me, getting her nails done. We are laughing and talking about unimportant things and, as CJ calls it, being girls.

I love my new hair style. My hair is still shoulder length, but it's slightly layered and the red highlights give me a happier tone. I'm still a blonde, but I guess now I am a "strawberry blonde" and I love it.

CJ and I get back to my place, pop in the first movie, and start digging through the ice cream. We sometimes pay attention to the movie, especially the parts where Roseanne gets her revenge on her ex husband. But we also talk a lot. We talk about Josh, Danny, Toby, we talk about how horrible Amy is, how neither of us can stand her, and we laugh when we remember Sam and his adorable ways.

During the second movie we open our bottle of wine, and our conversations go deeper and deeper into personal details. CJ tells me about the best sex she ever had, and I tell her none of my experiences have been that great. Then I remember that I would always fantasize about having sex with Josh, and how with him it would be different, because he is so sexy all the time. I realize I can't do that any more. So I start crying like someone who just lost everything in life.

CJ comes to my side, pours me another glass of wine, and rubs my back. After I've had a few good cries, she says.

"Ok, now, are you done feeling sorry for yourself?"

"I guess"

"Perfect time for _Kill Bill_"

I laugh and sit back with my glass of wine. Then I realize something that gives me strength: I'll get over him. It may take some time and some more days like this, but one day I'll look back and share a good laugh with a friend about how I used to be in love with my boss for 6 years and nothing ever happened. Time, and friends like CJ will help me push the pain away.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

None of your Business – Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: We're almost there! For those of you who read this far, thanks for your perseverance.

Chapter Summary: Josh and Donna see each other on her first day back.

"Toby," I say as I walk into Toby's office at 7:00AM.

"Josh, what are you doing here so early? Did your new assistant give you an extra early wake up call?"

I give him a nasty look, to let him know I'm not to be played with. "I'm here to talk about the foreign policy part of the state of the union; I think you're not being aggressive enough. I think instead of using the words 'friends in the middle east', you should use the words 'middle eastern counterparts'.

"What? That's absurd. Stick to your job and I'll stick to mine."

"Then you should rethink your wording."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll convince Leo I'm right and then he'll make you do it."

"We'll see."

Toby can be a hard-ass when he wants to be. The truth is I'm not really all that worried about the state of the union. I just needed an excuse to be in the communications area this morning. Although Donna broke my heart and I am trying to get over her, I'm insanely curious to see her. I miss her face, I miss everything about her. This past month seemed like an eternity. I know it's not good for me to be around her, but I just need to see her when she comes in, even if it's just to confirm the fact that she doesn't love me.

After a few quiet moments, I hear a ruckus outside Toby's office. Women are chattering happily, and some squeals of delight break through the chatter. Toby gets up and looks through the blinds to see what's happening.

"Donna's back."

I freeze at those words. I can't seem to get myself to move from the spot I am on. I desperately want to go to the window and get a peek at her, but I don't want to show Toby my real feelings.

"She looks good. She's moving well on the crutches."

She does? I always thought she looked good. Does this mean she looks better than usual? I can't stand it. I clear my throat and walk out of Toby's office.

The first person I see when I walk out is Donna. She's actually nearer than I thought she was. She looks gorgeous with a new hairstyle, and she looks happy. Her smile is genuine and bright. She flashes it at me and makes eye contact. I'm just standing there, like an idiot.

"Hi Josh!" She seems happy to see me. I can't stand it. My conclusion from that last day at the hospital comes back full force and I feel like hiding. She doesn't love me at all. I have no effect on her. She is smiling at me like I'm just anyone else from the office.

"Hi" is all I can manage as I walk away as fast as possible.

The day went by without confrontation. When I saw her figure from far away, I' would make myself scarce. I could tell it was her from her outline with the crutches. I also made a point of not going anywhere near the communications bullpen.

I told my new assistant, Lisa, that if she needed to ask Donna anything, that she should go over to her new desk, and never, under any circumstance, bring her in here. I told her that if she needed to, she should make sure I'm not here before she brings Donna over.

Lisa is fine. She's not Donna, but she'll do just fine. As an assistant, I mean. I don't yell at her like I did to Donna, and I try to treat her with respect. I figure if I can keep her for a while, I can prove that I am not the monster people think I am. Especially now that Donna's back, I can't confirm everyone's prediction that I would chase away my new assistant with my allegedly bad temper.

So the day is over and I head straight to the bar. I need to relax a bit before I go home tonight. (What I truly know is that I need to get drunk so I can fall asleep tonight, otherwise I'd stay up thinking about my encounter with Donna this morning.)

I am on my second beer when some republican jackass sits beside me and starts telling me President Bartlett is a puppet. I can tell he's pretty drunk too. He doesn't know who I am, and he thinks I'm agreeing with him until I just get up from my barstool and punch him straight in the face. He collapses, unconscious, and I contemplate the pain on my knuckle. That felt good.

Apparently he wasn't here alone, because a group of men I imagine to be his buddies gather around me, and I start to insult them by calling them sleazy republicans. The bouncers from the bar get in the mess, and all of a sudden I am being pushed outside the bar, only to find a policeman, ready to arrest me.

Let's see, who can I call? I can't call Donna. I can't call Lisa either. She's new and she doesn't need to lose respect for me so early in our working relationship.

"Hello",

"Toby, It's me, Josh"

"It's three o'clock in the morning, give me a break"

"I've been arrested. I'm in jail, now. You're my one phone call."

"I'm flattered. What did you do?"

"I got in a fight at the bar. Can you come bail me?"

"Give me a good reason to leave the comfort of my home at this ungodly hour."

"Uh..." I try, but I can't think of anything. "I'd do the same thing for you if you were ever in the same situation?"

"Lame"

"Toby, stop joking around! My call won't last for ever, you know?"

"I think a night in jail would do wonders for your inflated ego."

"Toby, I swear, If you don't come get me out of here, I'll do everything in my power to make your life a living hell."

"Fine. You owe me big time."

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

None of your Business – Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

Chapter Summary: Donna comments on her first week back at work.

Today was ok. I managed to get through the day without any accidents. I didn't put too much strain on my bad leg, and I was able to make a lot of progress in learning about my new job. The only problem was running into Josh early in the morning. That almost killed me. I tried to be nice, and to show him that I truly was glad to see him. He ignored me, and then I didn't see him the rest of the day. I still have a bad taste in my mouth from that encounter. It was weird working in the west wing without working with Josh. I guess I'll get used to it eventually.

I pop in a movie and try to keep my mind off Josh. The movie is romantic, and sad, and they don't end up together. This just makes me draw some parallels between this movie and my life and now I'm crying like an idiot again. I should not have rented _Bridges of Madison County_. Damn it! I should have rented _Kill Bill _again. Now I'm just sitting here, feeling sorry for myself and I can't get out of this funk.

Josh must really hate me. Why else would he treat me this way? And why do I always fall for guys who don't love me back? There must be something wrong with me. These are the thoughts that take over the mess that I call my mind throughout the night. I cry myself to sleep, then I have dreams of rejection, and wake up crying again, and so goes the cycle through the morning.

When I wake up, I try my best to cover my swollen face with make up, but I don't think it's doing much good. So I drive to work early, hoping no one important will see me walk in, and that within a few hours, the crying-induced swelling on my face will subside.

The moment I walk out of my car, position myself in my crutches and start towards the west wing, I see Josh. He's also coming into work early. I wonder if this is his normal working time now. I wonder if Lisa gives him a wake up call or whether he finally learned to set his alarm clock.

"Donna, what's wrong?" His word are those of concern, but his tone and his facial expression show me that he really doesn't care, and he's just going through motions.

"What's wrong with what?"

"Your face ... it's swollen." I guess he's onto me. Should I say 'I stayed up all night crying because you're a selfish bastard who doesn't love me back?' That's probably not a good way to go at 7:00 AM.

I sigh and let out something he's been telling people recently. "It's none of your business."

I move away and I notice he's not walking with me anymore. He's stopped and I haven't looked back to check what he is doing, but I'm guessing he is buying himself time so he doesn't have to walk with me all the way to the office.

As I make my way through the hallways, I wonder how things became this bad between us. Will we ever be friends again, and if so, should I want that?

The three days that followed went by with a few awkward, incommunicative encounters between Josh and me. He'd usually only address me when he needed something from the communications bullpen. A lot of the times he'd send Lisa. Other times, if I ran into him in the hallway (more like blocked his way with my crutches) he'd just walk past me without saying anything. I usually knew that he saw me, because his face would take on this sad expressionless form. He avoided eye contact at all times. This sort of treatment really hurts me. I don't think I can take much more of this. He's just making me angry. Now it's Friday, and I need to go out and drink myself into oblivion.

So I call CJ, who immediately accepts my offer to go out later. This will make me feel better.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

None of your Business – Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own them, never will. This fic is for self satisfaction only.

A/n: This is the chapter that ends the story as rated R. The last chapter will be a bonus NC-17 chapter, which I'll post separately under the NC-17 rating category.

To my great readers: I wish I would have thought of hitting Josh over the head with a big stick... Maybe next time.

Chapter Summary: Josh and Donna see each other at the bar.

Since Donna got back I've been gradually transforming myself into the sort of guy that I hate. I hide from her; I avoid her at all costs. If I run into her in the hallway, I don't talk to her unless it's necessary for work, and I definitely do not make eye contact. I feel like a coward. I hate myself for this. That day in the hospital, I wasn't courageous enough to put my feelings on the line, and the situation just escalated from that point. Now I don't even have the courage to carry a conversation with her.

This week has been hell. All this hiding and avoiding has drained me of any positive emotions I've had in the past. This fear of looking into her eyes, this self-protective instinct is eating away at me, and transforming me into a non-person. I need to go out. I need to have a few drinks and a few laughs, and then maybe I can feel like myself again. I feel I haven't been myself since that day I left the hospital in Germany. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that Donna was an important part of what I considered "being myself".

I need to find a way to be myself without her, so I call Toby, and beg him to go out with me tonight. He doesn't want to. But I convince him that I'll buy him his drinks in payback for the trouble he went through when he bailed me out of jail. I sit back and realize that my life must be pretty sad when I don't have anyone else to go out with but Toby. Sam's in California. CJ is on Donna's side. As for Will, I never really got to be friends with Will, at least not to the point where I can bribe him to keep me company on a miserable Friday night.

"You should talk to her" Toby says in a near monotone.

"Her?" I pretend not to know who he's referring to.

"You know who, the reason for your current state of pathetic loserdom."

"Is it that apparent?" I realize I must be more transparent than I want to be.

"When wasn't it apparent?" Toby looks forward, taking a gulp of his drink.

"I guess you're right." I give in. My situation with Donna has left me emotionally drained. I don't have the strength to defend myself anymore.

"Am I right about your transparency, or about how you should talk to her?" Toby still sits motionless, staring straight ahead. I am facing him, trying to figure out whether he's really trying to help me, or whether he is just bored out of his mind.

I sigh heavily. I try to make up my mind before speaking. If I say that he is right about the second part, I'm admitting to myself that a talk is necessary, and that could change everything in my avoidance strategy. If I say that he is only right about the first part, I'm lying to myself again. So here goes.

"Both."

Toby lifts up his glass and points one of his fingers forward while he says "there's your opportunity."

It takes me a second to realize what he just did. Was he pointing somewhere? As I followed the direction of his pointing, I find myself looking into a pair of big, beautiful blue eyes, staring back at me from across the bar.

Donna is here with CJ. Oh, shit. And I can't break away from the stare lock. I think I must look like an idiot, sitting here staring at her like this. She looks gorgeous. She must have been having a good time before she saw me, but now I wouldn't be able to tell, because as she continues to stare at me, she just looks infuriated. We're six feet away from each other, and I'm afraid that if this was a kung-fu movie, she'd jump over the bar and kill me. Thankfully, this is not a kung-fu movie, and she is also temporarily impaired by her bad leg.

I start to shake with nervousness, when I realize the woman I love and have loved for so long has made a transition from being indifferent to me, to being horribly angry at me. What have I done? Now the situation is much worse than it was that day at the hospital.

Donna remains motionless, staring at me. I don't have the courage to do anything else but stare back at her. It's hypnotic. CJ makes her way over to our side of the bar.

"Idiot! This is it! You will go there, apologize for whatever it is you've done, you will talk, and you will listen to her. If you don't, Toby and I will kill you with our own bare hands."

Toby snickers and pushes me off my bar stool with one hand. CJ sits by Toby and says "Hey handsome, care for some company?" Toby smiles at her. I think CJ is one of the only people that can make Toby smile on cue. Back to my predicament: how should I approach this? I think as I walk slowly towards the other side of the bar.

As I move closer to her, she turns towards me, never breaking her deadly stare. Her arms are crossed, her crutches lying on the bar counter.

"Donna, I..."

"Outside!"

I 'm baffled at her outraged tone. I watch her aptly position herself between her crutches, and I follow her as she makes her way towards the exit of the bar. Once we are out on the sidewalk, she seeks an empty area to the side of the bar, close to the back alley.

"OK, now..."

"No Josh, You don't get to talk now. I need to say what I want to say before you're able to push me away again." She looks almost on the verge of tears, angry tears. I am still very scared of being hit on the head with one of her crutches and left for dead, so I position myself in front of her, non-threateningly, and I wait patiently for her to make her point.

"I think about this all the time, trying to figure out what went wrong, I remember waking up in the hospital, after my surgery, and I remember you saying that you loved me, and then the phone rang and after you were done talking I asked you what you had told me before, because I didn't know whether it was a dream or not. You told me I was hallucinating and I didn't quite believe you, but you stood by what you said and then you started acting like you didn't love me. In fact, if I remember correctly, your treatment of me went from concerned friend to indifferent asshole boss in a matter of seconds. Then you left and never called me again. Now I'm here, one week into my new job, and this week has proved to me even more that you hate me. What's wrong with you, Josh? How can you be that cruel?"

By this time she's shouting. I'm stunned. I can't believe she's been suffering as much as I have. And throughout the whole speech she didn't even mention Colin, the cause of my actions. I try to defend myself.

"I'm not cruel Donna; I never did anything to hurt you!" I guess not intentionally.

"Like hell you didn't!" Now she's even more pissed off, if that's possible. "I was blown up, Josh, and I needed you there. But I needed you there as a friend, not as piece of shit boss who's just there for status quo. You abandoned me, and then you pushed me away, and when I got back you made a point of ignoring me. You think that doesn't hurt?"

"You don't understand Donna!" I'm desperate now. I run my fingers across my face, and then through my hair, and then I loosen my tie a little, because I feel like I'm suffocating.

"Say it, Josh, say it. Be a man, for once and admit that you hate me. And then tell me why you hate me. I think I deserve at least that much." She shouted that last part. She is leaning against the wall, with her arms crossed, and she is fuming. She is so mad at me; I made her fume with rage. Her eyes are teary, but I can tell she's fighting from her core in order not to cry in front of me.

And she is right; she deserves to know the truth. I think right now we've hit a new bottom. I found out just how much she resents me, and I can go two ways. I can tell the truth and be relieved that now I would have nothing to hide, or I can lie to protect myself, and push her away even more. So I decide to go with the truth. At this point, I don't care if the truth will make her resent me even more, or if it will make our current situation more uncomfortable than it already is. I want to be able to sleep at night without feeling guilty about the way I'm treating her. Deep down I want to kiss her and make it all better. I just don't know if she wants to be kissed. She still looks pretty angry.

Deep breath, and here it goes: "YOU BROKE MY HEART, DONNA" I yell at the top of my lungs. The expression on her face changes from anger to scared surprise.

I'm on a roll now. I can't stop myself, "I loved you so much, it drove me insane, I was crazy and jealous when that photographer showed up with the flowers and the kissing, I couldn't think straight. When you went under surgery I became so desperate, I actually prayed. Then I saw you with the tubes sticking out of your nose, and I broke down in tears I, ... I told you all the things I'd wanted to tell you for years, only it was easy for me right then and there, because you were unconscious, and I felt protected by the fact that you couldn't answer back..." I am pacing back and forth in front of her, avoiding eye contact until I am done with my fast, breathless rant. "Then you asked me about it, and, and ... I chickened out, Donna. Big time! I was so scared you would reject me, I chose the cowardly way and I lied to you. You weren't hallucinating. You heard right." I turn to face her and my tone is softer and slower now. But I keep talking. "Then you asked me about Colin, and all the crazy jealous feelings came back full force. I was so mad you were asking about Colin at that moment, that I convinced myself that you felt nothing for me and that you were in love with him. Whether that was true or not, I didn't care at the time. I was so mad at you. I told you the roses were from him, when they really were from me, and I flew home feeling like a complete idiot for having loved you for so long."

There is a long pause between us. I feel better now that I let it all out. I can see she is shaken. She doesn't know what to say. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to say it.

She finally breaks the awkward silence with a whisper. "I knew about the roses."

"You knew?" I ask in disbelief.

"Colin came by a few days later to break up with me, and he told me the roses weren't from him."

"Oh." I'm so relieved they're not together. All this time I've been thinking that they were together and somehow sustaining a long distance relationship.

"But that doesn't matter now; I also made some wrong choices. I chose to feel sorry for myself and to assume that you hated me."

"You were reading my cues as I meant them to be read, don't blame yourself for this mess."

"Josh, how do you feel now?"

"About what?" Now I'm just genuinely confused. Her tone is soft, and she's uncrossed her arms.

"About ... the love thing?" She looks down, flustered. I think she's trying to tell me something, or to invite me to tell her that I still love her.

"Oh Donna, I love you so much, it hurts." I look into her eyes now, I need a clue from her, something that tells me it's ok to move in and kiss her. I've never been so honest and open with her as I am now. I need her to open up to me too. She reaches her right hand forward and takes mine, without breaking eye contact.

"I love you too" She lets those words out almost without sound.

I can see she's trying not to cry. I reach my other hand across to touch her face and I wipe away a small tear that was just falling out of her eye. She is shaking now, and I'm not sure I'm all that steady either.

"Donnatella, how could I have been so stupid..." I whisper as I lean in closer to her. My lips move closer and closer to hers, and I can see she wants the same thing. She moves in a little closer and touches my lips to hers. I wrap my arm around her waist, move my other hand behind her neck and I deepen the kiss. Her lips are so soft, her tongue is dancing with mine and she tastes so sweet. _I can't believe I'm kissing her._ All that trouble is finally behind us, and it feels great to be true to her.

_Oh my God, I can't believe I'm kissing Josh. And he is kissing me back, full force!_ I feel his arms wrapped tightly around me and I can tell he's wanted this as much as I have. His lips are so powerful, I feel like melted butter in his hands. My hands start to travel all over his body. One of my hands caresses his soft curly hair, while the other moves up and down his back. I can't help myself, the man is so sexy I can't help but touch him all over. Soon I have one hand squeezing his butt while the other is pulling his shirt out of his pants. _I want to touch his skin._ While we kiss passionately, I can feel his hands are starting to wander a little bit too. Once he felt my hand on his ass he made his travel to mine fairly quickly.

Soon our kissing session has transformed into heavy making out. We stay there for a while, exploring one another as if we were brand new to each other. We have finally come out of our self-pity parties. All is right in the world.

PG-13 Ending.

(There is an extra bonus chapter posted as NC-17)


End file.
